Anger is a killing thing: it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before - it takes something from him.
Louis L'Amour
Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.
~Eckhart Tolle
“Men in rage strike those that wish them best.”
― William Shakespeare
“NICK, NO!” Came the scream of my wife as my fist thumped into the side of one police officers face! Another entered my home, but I grabbed him by the back of the head and threw him into a concrete pillar back first.
“Dad what the hell are you doing?” Shouted Scott who looked on as the Police Officers continued to slowly try and make it through my door to take me down, another entered, but walked straight into my fist taking him to the ground, blood spurting from his nose.
I could hear my loved ones shouting at me, demanding I stop, but why should I? What had I done wrong? These men had come to arrest me for the rape of a girl who had tried to do it to me, yet, they would never believe a man like me, they would never accept that she was the one in the wrong and I was the victim, how could they? I was a wrestler, no small man who could be easily dominated and she was an attractive young girl who could probably have any man she desired – who would ever believe me!?!
Rage blinded me now, a white mist coming over me as I threw another fist at the intruders to my home and another, turning to keep the officers down who had already crossed my wrath. I hadn’t felt like this in a long, long time, I hadn’t felt this fury, this anger in what seemed like years, I missed it.
I was a different man like this, unstoppable in every way, I attacked without thinking, leaving the blood to stain the floor before I begun to ask questions and in my life and my line of work, that was the best way to be, a way I hadn’t been since nearly a decade ago, maybe not that long, but certainly since I let the scrawny shit of Orlando Cruze beat me at Paranoia without ever enforcing my redemption. Times had to change, this had to return, this rage, this fury, this power.
“Nick, for god sake! Stop it!!”
I turned to the hand that grabbed my wrist and without looking at the son of a bitch who had managed to grab me, lifted my hand to there face, slapping them back with force and causing them to fall to the ground.
“DAD!” Scott shouted as he knelt down to his mother, his angry eyes glaring up at me as did hers.
“I- I’m sorry, I thought…” The rage had gone, what had I done? My wife lie at my feet, her hand covering the red cheek that had come from me hitting the woman I had loved for so many years, I had struck her. Suddenly a shoulder slammed into my back knocking me to the floor, instantly I was surrounded, the Police putting my arms behind my back, but I didn’t care anymore, my rage, my fury, my weakness, it had subsided as I glared through teary eyes at the love of my life, Sheryl Marie Gray. What had I done!?!
******************************************************************************************************
I glared across the room at the blank white wall, my mind was numb, my body was numb. I had struck the woman I had loved for over 20 years. The woman I had shared half of my life with, the same person who had seen me through the hardest moments of my life and had given me the greatest single moment of that same life, my son, Scott Harris. She was the mother of my son, the life of our family.
Where had my rage come from? When had such a fury returned into my soul?
As a young man, I had been short tempered, angry, quick to explode and when I did, blood would run and careers would end, it had almost become a gimmick for me without it ever meaning to be and yet, with time, I had tamed, I had eased off whilst always remaining intense, I had managed to control my mind.
… Why had that changed?
“Because you can’t trust them Harris!”
What the fuck? Who said that? Who was here? My eyes glanced around the room, dancing from corner to corner looking for a moving shadow, a dancing of light, yet, I saw nothing.
“Did somebody say something?”
Silence, except for the sudden opening of the metal slate in the steel doorway that kept me locked in this room.
“Say something Harris?” Said the guard as he peered in.
“Did you just say something to me? I thought I heard someone speak” The guard looked confused but gazed around at his colleagues who all just shrugged.
“Sorry, nope” He said before rudely closing the peephole with a metallic bang.
I was confused, I was convinced I had heard someone tell me that ‘they’ can’t be trusted and yet nobody was here. I sat back on the makeshift bed made for me and patiently waited for something to happen that would get me out of this cell, but hope was fading quickly.
“Hope is the game of a foolish man Harris!”
“WHO THE FUCK IS HERE?” I shouted, suddenly standing to my feet and glaring around the room, my temper beginning to return. But nobody was here, the room was to small to hide anyone and to light for someone to be hiding in some dark corner, what the hell was going on? Was I going mad?
“Madness? How rude! I am much more than madness, I am a conscious… subconscious if you will”
It was in my head!?!
“Oh shock… You really didn’t see this coming?”
No. See what’s coming? I sat down on the bed and glared at the floor, my hands either side of my head, holding it, cradling it, what was happening? The metallic slate opened up and the officer looked back in.
“Are you ok in there?” He said with a concerned look on his face as he noticed my tanned skin turn pale, my hands quivering at the fear that I had gone mad.
He’s fine.
“I’m fine, thank you.”
What the hell was going on? Why am I hearing voices?
You’ve been a very tame human being Lethal… What happened to the days when we would maim opponents and destroy shows for the fun of being the biggest most dominant son of a bitch in this business huh?
Those days are gone, the world doesn’t see me as that man anymore. I am a legend, someone who does the right thing.
Right thing!?! The right thing is to win, the right thing is to drop the blood of your opponents before they do it to you and when the hell did these people become important, huh!?!
…I… I need you to get out of my head.
Don’t be so god damn ridiculous… I am YOU! How do you expect me to leave? I do that and you die!
I need to go back to my wife, my son.
They make you weak!
THEY MAKE ME WHO I AM!
Wrong! You make you who you are! They drag you down, they make you human, they stop you being the machine you are! Ask yourself a question big shot, why are you in here?
I was tricked by a girl, I was defending myself…
And?
I hit her… I hurt Sheryl, my wife.
Oh god, don’t go all gooey on me, face it, the bitch got what was coming to her, she got in the way!
SHUT UP! SHUT UP DAMN YOU! SHE IS MY WIFE, MY LOVE!
She is a distraction to something much, much better…
Nothing is better than my family.
That blonde that wanted a fuck, she wanted you big man, she wanted you and she wanted you to make her scream and you turned it all down for a woman who barely sleeps with you anymore! What kind of man are you!?!
I am a good man, a loyal man.
Loyalty, the fans, family, when the hell did you become PG13! You were once a feared name across the continents of the world, people knew who you were, but dared to cross you at there own peril and now… What the hell have you become?
Times change.
NO! People change! People change, but Times don’t and when people change, its optional and right now, you need to realise your wife doesn’t want you, your son has no respect for you and there is a whole world of delights and fantasy out there for you… Take the opportunity and move on.
No. I wouldn’t leave my family.
Your family don’t want you… This stain on your life is one stain to many, come on, you know this!
So what do you suggest I do?
When you get out of here, get yourself on that European tour with the FWA, live a little, give your family some space, give yourself some space, do things you haven’t done in years, bring back the ‘old’ Lethal Weapon…
The ‘Old’ Lethal Weapon?
The one who took out those cops… The one who summoned me back…
…No. I’m a good man, I can’t go back to that, I won’t.
The slate opened wide again and the officer looked in before turning a key in the door causing me to gaze up with a confused look on my face, I stood to my feet and just stared at the large officer who glanced to a slimmer man in a suit, glasses and with a briefcase in hand.
“Lethal Weapon?” Said the man causing me to tilt my head slightly.
“Yes?” I replied.
“Sylvester Willis, I am the lawyer for the FWA’s superstars. Riley Addison is sad to see that you’ve missed the beginning of the tour in Greece, but has bought me here to inform you of some good news, if you’d like to follow me?” Said the man turning from the cell and walking away from me, I followed slowly, an officer standing behind me the whole time until we reached a small interview room, the lawyer opened the door and walked me in before we both sat down, the officer overlooking us.
“What’s this about?” I said, keeping the voice in my head at bay for now.
“It seems the injuries to the girl who claims you raped her are not viable to the claim of rape, they are common with someone falling over onto concrete, scraps and grazes etc, but not someone holding her down” Said the Lawyer.
“Meaning?” I quickly replied, anxiety in my voice.
“All the charges against you have been dropped, with exception to ‘assault on a police officer’”
I sighed at the news, I was happy that the rape case had fallen through so quickly and her lies had been clear cut, however, this other charge was caused by my own stupidity. I should never have lashed out at the Police.
Don’t be such a fag!
“SHUT UP!” I suddenly shouted out loud stunning the officer and the lawyer in front of me, the two of them gazing at one another briefly before looking back at me.
“Are you ok? Have I upset you?” Said Sylvester with a worried look on his expression.
“No sorry, excuse me, I’m just annoyed at myself for doing something so stupid” I replied trying to make the quick save.
“Oh ok, well, I have some good news about that as well. Bail has been paid by Mr Riley Addison, he wants you on the next flight out to Rome, Italy. We have arranged for that to happen and the court case for the alleged assault will take place in March 2012. You will have to attend, but hopefully the stress of this alleged ‘rape’ incident earlier in the same night will make for sound provocation and lead to a minimum offence of some community service and a fine” Said the lawyer with a smile on his face, I smiled back, this was great news, I could go back on the road and get back to wrestling.
And living your life like you use to.
“Thank you” I said with relief in my voice, ignoring the sounds in my head, the lawyer merely smiled back and stood from his chair, he turned to the officer and opened the door back into the main holding rooms.
“Would you kindly lead us out?” He said to the officer.
With a nod and an angry glance in my direction, the officer walked out of the room and led us through some security doors before heading up some stairs, after another 5 minutes of climbing, we finally reached the reception doors.
“Are my family here?” I asked the Lawyer causing him to glance around the seating momentarily.
“No, sorry.” He replied before shaking my hand and walking away. I sighed and glanced around the room myself, nobody was here, nobody was waiting.
And nobody was going to be…I told you… It’s time to embrace the darkness once more…
Maybe you’re right… Maybe…
That’s the most sensible thing you’ve said so far…
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…If the lord almighty can hear my words, I wonder what he might reply…
God is a man like no other, a man who can see the man I am underneath the flesh, he can see the black heart that sits within me, the dark anger that builds within my chest, waiting to explode, waiting to consume anything that steps in its path. God knows I am a man with a rage that cannot be measured and which cannot be matched by any other being on the face of this planet.
When I see the mist, be thankful that I am not in a position to bring apocalyptic war to this world, or god help me, it would be so and not one man, woman or child would be able to stop me, not even god could protect that in which he has created.
I say I wonder what the good lord might reply, but I don’t have to wonder long do I?
I killed three men in this last decade, the last of those was a young talent with a bright future in this business and when his brother came for revenge, my sorrow, my sympathies, were nowhere to be seen, lost to the darkness that harbours within my soul, when he came, I crippled him.
His parents wanted me to apologise, they wanted me to accept responsibility for the life that was lost and the disfigurement of the son they were still able to hold and what I offered them was a smile. A grieving family and what I gave them was a god damn smile.
Blink, Blink, Blink
My face is now being broadcast onto the television screens of millions around the world, many of them waiting to hear what I might have to say to Jacob Laymon, many of them wondering how I might approach my highly anticipated match with the undefeated former owner of the MCW, my former boss, the man who was in charge when my world metaphorically collapsed around me and instead of crumbling, I looked at the mess and kicked it aside with a brash arrogance that could never be justified or forgiven.
The only words any god will have for me will be ‘My son, you have taken a wrong turning; your new home is due south, as far as you can walk before your flesh decays from off of your bones.’
But be assured that for on my walk, I shall take Jacob Laymon by the arm and walk him at my side, for while the death of a boy lies squarely on my shoulders, while the crippling of his brother remains in my soul and the grief of his family to, shatters my heart… One man choose to air live, the entire thing, for the world to see.
…To him… The Lord will not even speak. For a man accountable for his actions, is still a man, but a man who hides his own sins in the cloak of another, is no man at all, but a worm hiding and hoping that one day, forgiveness will not be asked and he can pass through the gates without justification. Worms, like men of sin, are always fatefully hell bound…
This much I assure you.
“Are you proud of yourself Jacob?
Is Godiva proud of you?
It’s funny because this moment is long overdue, long past the moment when it was a main event clash to rock the business from its foundations to something much better, that time, that moment, it was back in MCW, back when I had the World Heavyweight Title over my shoulder and you were someone who actually mattered, someone who actually had some stroke in this industry, not just ‘another’ name to the long list of victims who happen to cross my path.
I’ve considered many a time what I might say to you and how I might say it and you know something, after years of wanting to go old school on your ass and bringing out the cliché comments, the brilliantly over used one liners like ‘when the dust settles’ and such forth, I find myself no longer ‘feeling it’, no longer wanting to discuss the match ahead like two wrestlers ready to do battle and you know why Jacob?
… Because there is no personal animosity between us anymore, at least, its not mutual.
I use to hate you, I use to think you were a disease, a no good prick that needed his teeth smashing down his throat simply for being able to breath but nowadays, I watch you, I listen to you, I take note of the things you are doing and make no bones about it, you are still skilled in the middle of that ring, still able to hold it with the best in the business and nobody, not even me, is going to take that away from you.
But Jacob, you’re a walking weakness. You’re a man with a hidden limp and you don’t even know it, you’re a candle burning at both ends and soon, the wax is going to be gone and the fire is going to go out and Jacob, as much as it might sound it, this isn’t a threat and I’m not for one minute suggesting that I’m going to be the one to do it or anything like that… No.
Because why would I end your career when in good time… You are going to do that all by yourself.
Rayne Young is precisely the same and his flame begun to disappear when he couldn’t even bit a rusty Lethal Weapon, appearing on his first pay per view for over 2 years, but you know why I don’t harbour hate toward you anymore Jacob?
… Because I pity you.
Losing Godiva hurt you, badly. It destroyed your heart, your soul and your mind and now, you are a raging machine working your way through the FWA roster and wanting to claim the world title in a bid to vent your anger or to justify your fury, to say to Godiva wherever she might be looking at you from, ‘look at me’, ‘look at what I done for us’!
But Jacob, wake up, snap out of it… Godiva isn’t watching you, she isn’t looking down and bidding you on and hoping you succeed, much the opposite, she wants you to fail, she wants you to fall apart and make mistakes and why? Because I remember Godiva, I remember what she was like, I remember speaking to her backstage and you know something, you were a lucky man, a god damn lucky man to have a woman like that. She was beautiful, funny and intelligent but above all else, she was something that is so hard to find in the modern day business Jacob, because she was a genuinely nice person who’d do anything for anyone at the drop of a hat and when the lord above took her from this world, he was either playing a cruel joke on us all or he had some higher purpose for her.
…So imagine what she thinks of what you have become now…
…She’d be disgusted, she’d hate you, she would hate every last centimetre of flesh on your body and you’d make her crawl, you’d make her skin shiver and all because you decided to destroy her name, destroy her legacy by becoming the man you are today, by showing the world that the way to deal with your struggles is to become a raging bull of a man intent on chaos and destruction and all because he cannot handle his emotions and his problems personally and as such, he needs to take them out on the world around him.
Like a child Jacob, you lost your family and now you stamp your feet and throw your arms around in a fashion that dictates that you won’t stop until you get them back, so what happens when it finally clicks huh? What happens when you finally realise that the world isn’t going to change, your wife, your child are dead. Dead and gone.
…Now?
…Tomorrow?
… Next week?
Because you have yet to truly understand the feeling of loss or the acceptance of it while you continue to act like a ten year old spoilt child unable to have what he wants. Don’t get me wrong, I feel your grief, I understand your pain, but Jacob… If you had one unselfish bone in that body of yours, one moment of true reflection, you’d realise that someone as nice and as kind as Godiva was, would never want this, she’d never want the Jacob we see today and the fact that you cannot see that, the fact that you cannot fathom just how pathetic and how wasted a shell of man you look, is the reason that I no longer hate you…
It’s the reason I pity you.
Jacob, Godiva was the best of you, she was the one thing that made you somewhat human and if you really want the proof, well, look at before your relationship with her begun, look at Luke Tanner and the death of the boy who had his whole future ahead of him, the death that was caused by none other than me.
Look at the crippling of his brother Josh, the disrespect and the lack of sympathy shown to his mother and father, look at that whole scenario and you know what, sure, these fans should boo me for the rest of my career and my life for what I did to that family and for what happened and I know without a doubt, that I am unlikely to ever see the gates of heaven when my time on this planet is done because of it, but I’ve grown to accept my mistakes and I’ve grown to see what I could have improved.
But now that we are of a level par, now that you are not my ‘boss’ anymore, why don’t we unravel the true story behind the Tanner tragedy huh?
For those that are unaware of this history, let me give you an update in a nutshell, you see, I was returning to the MCW as a manager for someone named Luke Tanner, a wrestler who had a great career planned ahead of him and was being pushed with a rocket up his ass as something special, well, as kayfabe as this might be, I was asked to do a schedule with him, I was asked to attack him in the ring and hit him with the Equilibrium when he didn’t expect it, this was all part of the plan to help ratings and to give Tanner something new to work with, the plan was then for me to get the kid over, etc… etc…
…I do as I’m told, I attack the kid, I hurt him, I lift him for Equilibrium and I drop him backwards, but the kid makes a rookie mistake, he wiggles to squirm free in mid-air, now I know the guys in the back are going to be pissed at me for breaking down the walls between this business and what the fans ‘perceive’ this business to be, but the bottom line is, we go out there to hurt each other with these moves, we don’t intend to kill one another, but the bottom line is that accidents happen! Luke Tanner wasn’t the first wrestler to die and he sure as hell won’t be the last because danger is the nature of this business.
Bottom line, Tanner should have took the blow, he didn’t, he tried to squirm free and he landed on his neck and died – it should have ended there. EMT’s came down, I walked away with a smile on my face because at this point, I didn’t know the kid was dead, nonetheless, when it was announced, there should have been a tribute done in his name, some private apologies and maybe a payout to the family, but oh no… Not while Jacob Laymon has a say in the matter, right Jacob?
You paint this picture like I was the bad guy in the whole Luke Tanner thing and for 2 to 3 years I have been getting grief from different circles of the world for what happened to Luke, but you know what, lets get things straight, YOU were the ugly son of a bitch who hired an angry Josh Tanner to come after me and YOU were the one who let things get out of hand, YOU were the one who didn’t control the situation and didn’t protect or fire me from the company, because lets face it Jacob, you do one or the other! You either stand by my side and say it was an accident or fire me for the mistake happening, but neither of these things happened and instead, Josh Tanner finds himself hit by a car and crippled.
But STILL Jacob Laymon likes what he is seeing, the death of a young prodigy and the crippling of his brother is bringing in media from all over the world, its making ratings fly through the roof and the company is suddenly making a mountain of cash because the world wants to see me get my ass handed to me on a platter, right? Well Jacob fuels the fire more, because instead of helping the Tanner family out, instead of letting them greive privately, he drags them onto the MCW show, he tells them that Lethal Weapon is going to apologise, he tells them that Weapon is going to make it clear that nothing like this was ever meant to happen.
Funny isn’t it Jacob, because behind the scenes, you are squealing to me like a little girl full of excitement about the ratings about the sudden surge in publicity that the MCW is getting and about how people were flocking from around the world to see us in action, you were also the one who told me that Luke’s Mum and Dad KNEW I was going to go out into that ring with a smirk on my face, that I HAD to continue being the bad guy for the sake of the company and you know what, the infamous scenes where I smile at the grieving parents of Luke Tanners, even give his father the bird were what came next and sure, you got some heat for it, the MCW got even more publicity but for all those wanting to know what Jacob Laymon is really like…
Jacob Laymon is a self centred son of a bitch that cares for nobody but himself and the one time that changed, the one moment when he suddenly became a little more genuine was when Godiva was at his side, was when that beautiful kind girl that for some reason, looked past ALL of his ugliness made him into a better person.
Godiva made you something better than this business Jacob, she made you something bigger than this business but with her gone, with your kid gone, you couldn’t maintain it, you went into meltdown and the man we see on our screens at Carnage every week now, isn’t the Jacob of old because you are nowhere near as calculating or intelligent as the man that owned the MCW, no, instead you’ve become that pathetic site I mentioned earlier, a shell of a man trying to find a meaning to his life.
Jacob… She’s dead. The thing that made you special, the thing that made you unique, the thing that made you more of a man than you will ever be is gone and like a power source, when somebody switches it off, sooner or later, the thing that power leaves behind will fade away and die a slow agonising death.
Your career is doing that now Jacob and over time, your body will follow.
Oh and as for your jibe about my current ‘circumstance’ shall we say, I think you’ll find that the evidence never existed proving my innocence, but I know how weak minded some can be and if you want to continue with that line of attack against my character, fine, but at least I accept I’m going to hell, you, you still believe that you are going to see Godiva and your child again one day… You won’t… Because you are taking the trip with me Jacob, but it does make me wonder something…
I mentioned that maybe Godiva had a higher purpose, that God had taken her for a reason…
…Maybe God took her, because he knew what me and everybody else already knew, that her and your child deserved much, much better then you.
That they died because death, was a better fate than being a Laymon.
I’ll see you at Carnage Jacob… And I’ll look forward to ripping you apart like I’ve wanted to do, for years!”
Darkness covered my room as I sat at the end of my bed, it was night and the lights were off but I couldn’t sleep, my mind was active and the voices had been speaking to me for most of the night. Here I was in Italy, Rome and my mind kept telling me to seek the riches of such a night, reminding me of the hatred and betrayal that had become the feelings toward me of my own family. I sighed, trying to fight such thoughts, but they continued to pound me.
‘Seek the riches, go, seek them’ it would keep saying to me, over and over again, finally I stood, fully clothed, my eyes misting over as they had done before in the house while the Police tried to pin me down, my rage had returned, my anger had come back. I was slowly becoming the man I once was.
I left the hotel and walked into the night, the moon shining against the backdrop of the historic coliseum and the forums that surround it, beautiful remains of rubble from a time long past when gladiators fought to the death, not for the count of three.
I walked for what seemed like ages, going from street to street with no actual destination or notion of why I was doing this when finally I stopped, my eyes turned to a beautiful young girl, brunette hair running down the back of her leather jacket. Her skirt was short and her fishnet tights black, but leading to no underwear as far as I could tell, she smiled at me and slowly stepped in my direction.
“Vuoi che ti colpo?” She said asking me if I wanted her to blow me. I smiled and turned to her, my eyes glancing beyond where she stood to a dark alley beyond, the language we spoke between our eyes was universal and she walked to me, taking me by the hand before slowly guiding me to the alley, we walked a few steps down and then stopped as she pushed me against a wall and placed her hand in my pants, grabbing my manhood with her palm and wrapping her fingers around firmly.
“Do you speak English?” I asked her causing her to smile wider.
“I speak little” She replied gripping me even harder before undoing the buttons on my jeans with her other hand.
“Good, you want to suck me?” I said as my trousers dropped to the ground, she nodded silently and dropped to her knees, lowering my boxers so everything was now on show. In the cold of such a night in the middle of December, the warmth of her tongue and her mouth was soothing. I closed my eyes momentarily and enjoyed what she was doing, before stopping.
The voice in my head had changed…
Now hurt her… HURT HER! She is the sort of slag that cost you your family! HURT HER!!
I tried to block it out, I tried to ignore it, but it was right. This slag, this slapper, this beautiful but easy piece of meat was the thing that cost me everything I loved, everything I held true, it was girls like this that got me into trouble and they deserved to pay.
“Stand up” I said to her firmly, she seemed shocked, but clearly assumed I wanted to be in her, she smiled and stood up before kissing my neck, her teeth gently biting her bottom lip to show she wanted me, her hand continued to stroke me.
HURT HER!!!
The mist had returned, my hand lifted punching the girl to the floor, she fell with a bang and squealed in pain momentarily allowing me to take in a deep breath before lifting my boxers and jeans back up.
“Che cazzo sta facendo?” She said angrily, asking me what the fuck I was doing, I just smiled.
“Teaching you a lesson my little love…” I grabbed the girl lifting her back to her feet and holding her against the wall, my hand around her throat, choking her till her face turned red.
KILL HER!!
I held her against that wall, her spit forming in her mouth as she battled for air, her face turning blue. Finally I stopped and let her go causing her to drop to the ground gasping for air. I said nothing, instead, I merely turned and walked back into the street, I brushed myself down and glared up at the moon.
It wouldn’t be long and my return to the ring would be imminent. It was time to sleep.
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